


YoloClan's Prophecy

by Lightfyre



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Crack Fic, Parody, april fool's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 11:37:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14164008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightfyre/pseuds/Lightfyre
Summary: When the warriors of YoloClan start dying in bizarre ways, they must look to StarClan for help. But does StarClan really know what they're doing?(This is a parody fic, obviously. Warning that it contains foul language, sexual themes, graphic violence, use of drugs, and toilet humor.)





	1. Allegiances

**YoloClan**

Leader: 420star- a tom entirely made out of marijuana leaves  
Deputy: Unicornflight- pale purple she-cat with rainbow wings, a white sparkly horn, and blue eyes—she also poops Skittles  
Medicine Cat: Stonedfur- gray tom who is always high

Warriors: 

John Cena- literally just John Cena  
Apprentice, MountainDewpaw  
Xboxheart- silver tom with a green X across his chest  
Apprentice, Doritopaw  
Cheetopuff- fluffy ginger tom  
Apprentice, BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!  
Spritebubble- pale gray she-cat  
RedBullfur- red tom with wings  
Shittyfur- stinky brown tom  
Bitchtail- black she-cat who is a massive bitch  
Burrito- literally just a burrito, sometimes it meows  
Apprentice, Sprinklepaw  
Kawaiieyes- pale brown she-cat with rainbow eyes  
Jizzfur- white tom 

Apprentices:  
MountainDewpaw- bright green she-cat  
Doritopaw- ginger tom  
BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!!- angry black tom with red eyes  
Sprinklepaw- white she-cat with rainbow flecks 

Elders:  
Crankyguy- brown tom with no ears, eyes, tail, or penis (you’d be cranky too if you were him) 

 

**SeriousClan**

Leader: Brackenstar- golden brown tabby tom  
Deputy: Rosenose- red she-cat


	2. Chapter 2

“AAAHH HELP I’M SHITTING BLOOD!!!” A warrior named Xboxheart ran out of the medicine den. “Help, somebody, Stonedfur is too stoned to move!!!”

“I got an idea!” Xboxheart’s apprentice Doritopaw cried. He went and found a cork, and then shoved it up Xboxheart’s ass to prevent him from bleeding to death.

“Oh thank you Doritopaw, you saved me!” cried Xboxheart.

At that moment Stonedfur came out of his den. “I’m having a vision!” he cried. He took a huge rip from a bong, coughed, and then said, “StarClan just told me that Doritopaw will save YoloClan!” 

At that moment a meteor came out of the sky and fucking annihilated Doritopaw. 

“Oops, I meant MountainDewpaw will save the Clan,” said Stonedfur. “Sorry, I’m too high to hear properly.” 

All of YoloClan gathered around Doritopaw’s body for a vigil. His parents, Cheetopuff and Spritebubble, cried, along with his sister MountainDewpaw.

“I remember when he saved my life five minutes ago by putting a cork in my ass,” sniffled Xboxheart. “He was so brave and smart. I’ll miss him.”

“How am I ever going to live up to his name?” MountainDewpaw sobbed.

“HAHAHA DORITOPAW GOT SQUISHED INTO A PANCAKE!” cackled a black-furred apprentice with blood red eyes named BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!! He was a very angry cat who talked in all caps. As he’d come out of his mom Bichtail’s vagina he’d screamed what he’d wanted his name to be, and Bitchtail had granted his wish.

“Why are you always so horrible, BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW?” asked MountainDewpaw.

“YOU WOULD BE AN ASSHOLE TOO IF YOUR PARENTS WERE NAMED BITCHTAIL AND SHITTYFUR LIKE MINE!” yelled BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!

“Okay, true,” MoutainDewpaw admitted.

At that moment the deputy, Unicornflight, shat out a bunch of Skittles. However, they weren’t rainbow like usual—they were brown.

“It’s an omen!” Unicornflight cried. “StarClan is warning us that something terrible is going to happen!”

“Or maybe you just excreted actual feces for once,” said her brother, RedBullfur.

“Nope, the omen thing makes way more sense!” said Unicornflight.

At that moment a she-cat named Kawaiieyes exploded for no reason. Then, the cork fell out of Xboxheart’s ass and he bled to death. A glowing red ring appeared on his pelt. 

“Terrible things keep happening and we have no power to stop them!” MountainDewpaw cried.

At that moment, a StarClan she-cat with pink fluffy fur named Cottoncandycloud descended from the heavens into YoloClan’s camp.

“Actually, YOU have the power to stop them!” Cottoncandycloud pointed at MountainDewpaw.

“GASP!” gasped the apprentice. “But how do I do that?”

Cottoncandycloud shrugged. “Idk, just figure it out.” She then floated back up into the sky.

“THAT DIDN’T HELP AT ALL, YOU PINK CUNT!” BLOODEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!! roared at the clouds.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, the warriors were on patrol when they came to a huge wall blocking their path.

“DAMMIT DONALD TRUMP!” screamed BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!!

“It’s blocking our access to the pond we drink from!” Spritebubble cried. “We’ll all die of thirst!”

MountainDewpaw’s mentor John Cena attempted to knock the wall down with his huge fists, but to no avail.

“Wait!” MountainDewpaw cried. “Maybe if one of us eats Burrito, they can fart hard enough to blow down the wall!”

“How can you eat your own Clanmate, you sadistic bitch!?” cried an apprentice named Sprinklepaw. She stood protectively in front of her mentor, Burrito, who was literally a burrito that made catlike noises sometimes. 

“Meow,” said Burrito. 

“Oh…you’re willing to sacrifice your life to save our Clan?” Sprinklepaw began to cry. “You’re so brave, I’ll never forget you!” she sobbed, hugging Burrito. 

“I’ll eat him,” MountainDewpaw volunteered. “Don’t worry Burrito, I’ll make it quick and painless.”

MoutainDewpaw swallowed Burrito in one gulp. A few moments later, her stomach rumbled, and she aimed her ass at the giant wall. Everyone ran for cover as she let out an enormous fart that shattered the wall, as well as the sound barrier.

“Wow, that was amazing!” cried Cheetopuff as blood trickled from his ears.

They went back to camp, where the leader, 420star, rewarded MountainDewpaw for her bravery by holding a warrior ceremony for her. 420star was completely made out of marijuana leaves, which rustled in the greenleaf breeze.

“From this day on, you will be known as MountainDew: Code Red,” said 420star. As he spoke, MountainDew: Code Red’s bright green fur turned red.

“Yay, MountainDew: Code Red!” the Clan cheered.

At that moment, Donald Trump came into the camp, pulled out an AK-47, and pumped MoutainDew: Code Red full of bullets. 

“That’s for destroying my wall!” Donald Trump yelled. He then ran away laughing as MountainDew: Code Red lay bleeding out in the dirt. 

“Well this sucks,” said a white tom named Jizzfur.


	4. Chapter 4

YoloClan held a vigil for MountainDew: Code Red that night. Cheetopuff and Spritebubble tenderly licked the blood off of their daughter’s coat, which tasted suspiciously like cherry flavored soda. 

“We have to get revenge for her!” snarled DEATHBLOODMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!!

“Hey, you’re not talking in all caps for once,” Sprinklepaw pointed out.

“Yeah cuz I’m being serious now,” said the black tom. He narrowed his blood red eyes, sending a chill down Sprinklepaw’s spine. 

“You know, BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!!,” the rainbow-flecked she-cat told her Clanmate gently. “You don’t have to become evil. I know you have goodness somewhere in your heart.”

The two apprentices touched noses, silently and tenderly staring into each other’s eyes for a moment. Then, BLOODDEATHMUDREREXPLOSIONPAW!!! pulled away and said, “Let’s go kill that fucking toupee-topped Cheeto!”

“Hey, I take offense to that!” Cheetopuff exclaimed.

“Go sit on a cactus!” BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!! spat at his Clan mate. 

They searched the territory all night for Donald Trump, and eventually found him standing by a tree Tweeting on his phone. 

“I just nailed a pussy LOL! And no, I didn’t fuck Melania, I literally killed a cat!” he typed. 

“DIE, SHITHEAD!” BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!! flew through the air and sank his teeth into the shitty excuse for a president’s neck, killing him instantly. 

“Yay, you did it!” everyone cheered. 

“I’m not done, I gotta kill Mike Pence next!” said BLOODEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!! as he licked Trump’s blood off of his paws (which tasted like money and awful cologne).

“BLOODDEATHMUDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!!,” said Sprinklepaw, laying her tail across his shoulders. “You don’t have to kill Mike Pence. StarClan will turn him gay and make him realize what a homophobic douchebag he’s been.”

“You’re right,” BLOODDEATHMUDREREXPLOSIONPAW!!! sighed. 

“I am so proud of you, my son!” Shittyfur purred, rubbing up against the young black tom.

“Ugh, you smell like diarrhea, get away!” his son spat, pulling away. 

“I’m not proud of you,” hissed Bitchtail.

“Of course you’re not, you’re a bitch,” BLOODDEATHMURDEREXPLOSIONPAW!!! rolled his eyes at his mother.

They went back to the camp, where 420star gave the brave apprentice his warrior name. 

“The author is tired of typing out your super long name every two seconds, so you’ll just be Bloodkill from now on, okay?” said 420star. 

“That’s a shitty ass name,” snarled Bloodkill. 

“Or I could name you Periodblood,” 420star suggested.

“No, no, Bloodkill is fine!” Bloodkill exclaimed. 

“I’m going to make Sprinklepaw a warrior now because fuck it,” said 420star. “Your name is Sprinkleheart from now on.”

“Bloodkill! Sprinkleheart!” the Clan chanted. As the two newly made warriors pressed their foreheads together in celebration, suddenly, the ghostly outlines of MountainDew: Code Red and Dortiopaw appeared looked at them proudly. 

“Holy shit, what the fuck, are those ghosts!?” Bloodkill screamed and jumped back in terror.

“I don’t see anything,” said Sprinkleheart. Sure enough, the apparitions had vanished as quickly as they’d appeared. “Are you tripping?” 

“Whatever, let’s fuck and make babies,” said Bloodkill.


	5. Chapter 5

Sprinkleheart licked her four new kits tenderly. She and Bloodkill had carefully picked out the names for them. Their firstborn was a pale bluish-green she-cat that they named MountainDewkit, in honor of MountainDew: Code Red. They’d named the ginger tom Doritokit, after Doritopaw, and the brown tom Poopykit in honor of Shittyfur, who had died of dysentery shortly before the kits had been born. There was one more kit—a tom that they’d named KyloRenkit. He had black fur and red eyes like his father. 

“I hope naming our son after a Star Wars villain won’t make him evil, like I almost was,” said Bloodkill.

“Nah, he’ll be fine,” said Sprinkleheart. 

Just as she said that, KyloRenkit pulled out a tiny light saber and stabbed Poopykit in the heart. 

“God dammit,” Sprinkleheart sighed.

Bloodkill took KyloRenkit to the side and said, “Now son, I know that being evil is tempting. When I was your age I had homicidal urges as well, but trust me, being good is a lot more fun.” 

“Eat a dick!” KyloRenkit flipped off his father. 

“Don’t worry Mommy and Daddy, if KyloRenkit turns evil I’ll protect our Clan from him,” MountainDewkit promised.

“You are so brave!” Sprinkleheart purred, licking the little teal she-cat. “It’s almost like you are a reincarnation of MountainDew: Code Red!” 

“I am!” MountainDewkit cried. 

“HOLY BALLS!” her parents screamed.

“Yeah, and I’m Doritopaw reincarnated!” Doritokit cried. “Except StarClan gave me a name after I died—it was Dorito: Nacho Cheese Flavor.”

“When I grow up, I want my warrior name to be KyloRen-Stabby-Stabby-Kill!” cried KyloRenkit.

Bloodkill walked outside the nursery and went to the medicine den, where Stonedfur was tripping out on acid. 

“Stonedfur…can you take me to the Moonpool? I need to talk to StarClan about KyloRenkit. I’m afraid he might turn evil,” said Bloodkill.

Stonedfur didn’t respond. He lay on his back, paws twitching and eyes bulging out of his head.

“I can taste numbers,” he said distantly. 

Bloodkill sighed. “Fine, I’ll go there by myself.” 

So he went to the Moonpool, which in this story is actually a huge toilet. He plunged his head in as he heard a faint flushing sound, and blacked out. A moment later, he awoke, and saw the starry outline of Shittyfur walking towards him. 

“Father, I need your help,” said Bloodkill. “KyloRenkit is going to become evil and I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do,” sighed Shittyfur. “See, you’re dead now too.”

“Um, what?” said Bloodkill.

“Yeah, you accidentally hit the flush handle and drowned yourself in the toilet, you idiot,” said Shittyfur.

Bloodkill stared at his paws, which were now transparent. 

“NOOOOO!!!” Bloodkill let out a moan similar to the one Darth Vader made in Episode III. Except George Lucas isn’t the one responsible for the shitty writing here.


	6. Chapter 6

Moons later, Sprinkleheart watched her kits receive their apprentice names with a bittersweet look. She missed Bloodkill so very much. Cottoncandycloud had come down from the sky again to tell everyone that he’d drowned in the MoonToilet trying to contact StarClan. Everyone had cried, except for Bitchtail, who had laughed at her son’s stupid death, because she’s a heartless bitch. KyloRenkit had laughed too. 

_Without Bloodkill around, who is going to teach my son how not to become evil?_ Sprinkleheart thought worriedly.

420star assigned RedBullfur to be Doritopaw’s mentor, and Jizzfur to be MountainDewpaw’s mentor. 

“As for you, KyloRenpaw, I will be mentoring you myself,” said 420star. 

“Will you teach me how to murder cats?” KyloRenpaw asked. 

“Well, not exactly,” said 420star. 

“Then what’s the point!?” KyloRenpaw spat. 

“Come on everyone, let’s go on a patrol,” said 420star. 

While they were out, they suddenly ran into SeriousClan. 

“Oh no, it’s those party poopers!” Unicornflight spat.

“You’re just jealous because we have names that aren’t stupid,” said the deputy, Rosenose.

“What do you want?” 420star demanded.

“We want you to stop leaving Cheeto crumbs all over the border,” snapped the leader, Brackenstar. “We also found a used condom, too, that was nasty.”

“Sorry, my bad,” said Jizzfur.

“Hey, fuck off!” KyloRenpaw told Brackenstar. 

The SeriousClan leader raised his eyebrows.

“How dare you speak to me that way!” he spat. “Your father must have drowned in a toilet or something for you to be so disrespectful!”

“I am going to fuck all your mothers!” KyloRenpaw yelled at the SeriousClan patrol.

“Okay, KyloRenpaw, let me handle this,” said 420star. 

KyloRenpaw then pulled out his lightsaber and stabbed the whole SeriousClan patrol to death. 

“Holy shit, stop!” 420star cried. 

“No! Never!” KyloRenpaw laughed, dancing in the blood of his enemies. 

“StarClan, please help us,” said 420star hoarsely, looking up at the sky. 

“Sorry, you’re on your own for this one! We’re not getting involved in this shit!” Cottoncandycloud called back down.


	7. Chapter 7

“Alright, it’s time for all you apprentices to become warriors!” 420star exclaimed two moons later. 

“But we haven’t done anything to earn it,” said MountainDewpaw with a frown. 

“I know, but we need to advance the plot,” said 420star. He gathered the apprentices around. 

“MountainDewpaw, from this moment on, you will be known as MountainDew: Baja Blast,” said the leader. “Doritopaw, you are now Dorito: Cool Ranch Flavor, and KyloRenpaw, you are KyloRenheart. I’m naming you this in hopes that you won’t become evil.”

“Too late!” KyloRenheart cackled as he decapitated Dorito: Cool Ranch Flavor with his light saber.

“Someone really needs to take that away from him,” said Unicornflight. 

“Now, even though you’re warriors now, you’ll still have to take care of Crankyguy,” said 420star, pointing to an elder with no eyes, ears, tail, or penis. 

“FUCK!” yelled KyloRenheart. 

“You’d be pissed off all the time too, if you had no dick!” hissed Crankyguy, somehow knowing that KyloRenheart was talking shit about him even though he was deaf. 

“Serves you right for trying to fuck a snapping turtle,” KyloRenheart retorted. 

Suddenly, Sprinkleheart heard Cottoncandycloud’s voice whispering in her ear. 

“Hey, we over at StarClan totally have a plan to stop KyloRenheart from going Postal on all of YoloClan.”

“I thought you said we were on our own for this!” Sprinkleheart hissed. 

“Nah, I was just fucking with you all,” said Cottoncandycloud. “In a moon, Cheetopuff and Spritebubble are going to have more kits, and one of them will be Bloodkill reincarnated. He’ll turn KyloRenheart good again.”

“Oh, well…that’s good to know,” said Sprinkleheart. 

 

Sure enough, a moon later, Spritebubble popped out three new kits. 

“They’re so cute!” Sprinkleheart crooned as she visited them. 

“Thanks,” said Spritebubble. “I’ve named the white one Cupcakekit and the yellow one Nachokit. But I don’t know what to name the black one.” 

“Maybe you should name him Bloodkit,” Sprinkleheart suggested. “Since he looks exactly like Bloodkill.”

“Hmm…okay,” said Spritebubble. 

“AAAH HELP ME!” 

Sprinkleheart went racing out of the nursery to see 420star lying on the ground, bleeding from his crotch.

“420star!” she cried, running over to her leader. “How do you have blood if you’re made of marijuana leaves!?”

“I don’t know!” 420star gasped. “But anyways, KyloRenheart cut off my dick and my balls…it hurts so bad…you need to avenge me!”

“But even if you bleed out, you have nine lives” Sprinkleheart reminded him.

“Yeah, but Unicornflight really wants to become leader, so they’re taking all of my nine lives at once,” said 420star.

“That’s bullshit,” said Sprinkleheart.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” 420star groaned. He then died. 

“Unicornflight, you better get your ass over to the MoonToilet immediately!” yelled Sprinkleheart. 

Suddenly, KyloRenheart entered the camp, carrying the severed head of Unicornflight and looking smug. 

“I’m taking over YoloClan now!” he declared. 

“KyloRenheart, this has to stop!” Bloodkit came running out of the nursery. “I’m your father, reincarnated! I came back to tell you that I love you and I don’t want you to turn evil!” 

“F…father?” Tears gathered in KyloRenheart’s eyes, and he pulled Bloodkit in for a hug. Then he stabbed him in the back with his light saber. 

“What the fuck, StarClan?? You said Bloodkit would save YoloClan!” Sprinkleheart yowled to the sky. 

“Uh…yeah, sorry, that failed, so let’s go for Plan B,” she heard Cottoncandycloud’s voice say. “You’re going to be the leader now, so come to the MoonToilet.”


	8. Chapter 8

Sprinkleheart plunged her head into the MoonToilet, hoping she wouldn’t drown like Bloodkill had. The spirits of her dead Clan mates surrounded her, ready to give her nine lives. The first one to come up to her was Cottoncandycloud.

“With this life I give you sanity,” she said. “Someone in YoloClan needs to have it.” 

Sprinkleheart yowled as a sensation similar to having one’s nipples hooked up to a car battery rippled through her body. 

The next cat to come up to her was Xboxheart. 

“With this life I give you hepatitis…I mean, hope.” 

Sprinkleheart screamed in agony once again as she absorbed the life. She also peed out a lot of blood for some reason. 

Then Kawaiieyes, her mother, came up to her. 

“Oh my precious daughter,” she said, blinking her rainbow colored eyes. “I am so proud of you. With this life, I give you the power of anime.” 

Sprinkleheart screamed again as she bulked up and glowed yellow, as if she were going Super Sayan. When it was over, she collapsed on the ground, moaning in pain. Suddenly, she smelled something delicious, and opened her eyes. 

“Burrito, it’s you!” she cried. 

Burrito touched her nose—he didn’t say anything, but the sensation that she was eating delicious Taco Bell came to Sprinkleheart. She could feel the food actually moving down her throat and into her stomach. Then Sprinkleheart realized that she’d eaten Burrito. 

“Oops,” she said. “I guess I was hungry.” 

She then vomited as a terrible smell came to her nose. Shittyfur was making his way over.

“Eew, don’t get near me!” Sprinkleheart shrank away as Shittyfur attempted to touch his nose to hers. 

“Do you want this life or not?” he growled.

Sprinkleheart held her breath as Shittyfur touched noses with her and said, “With this life, I give you the ability to always have solid poops, no matter what you eat. May you never have diarrhea again.” 

A relieved feeling spread through Sprinkleheart. She sighed contently as Shittyfur walked away, and was replaced by Poopykit. 

“LOL I’m giving you the diarrhea back with this life!” the little shit laughed. 

Sprinkleheart screamed as she shit out pure gastric acid, as if she’d just eaten a whole bag of those sugar free gummy bears that have a strong laxative effect. Then, Dorito: Cool Ranch Flavor came over and punted Poopykit through the air, sending his ass to the Dark Forest.

“With this life I give you the ability to breathe fire,” said Dorito: Cool Ranch Flavor. 

“Wow, awesome!” Sprinkleheart cried. She took a huge breath and then exhaled a plume of flames, accidentally turning Dorito: Cool Ranch Flavor into a pile of charred ashes. 

“Oops,” she said. 

Unicornflight came fluttering over, her rainbow wings and unicorn horn gleaming in the starlight. 

“With this life, I give you the power of a thousand unicorns,” she said. 

Sprinkleheart was swooped up into a rainbow tornado. The various flavors of Skittles whirled through her mouth as she was tossed around. Then, the tornado very rudely dropped her down to the ground.

“Ughhh…” she dizzily got to her paws as 420star came over to her.

“With this life, I’m going to give you a great high,” he said. 

Sprinkleheart breathed in the scent of marijuana as Snoop Dog’s “Smoke Weed Everyday” started playing. 

The last cat to come up to her was her beloved Bloodkill.

“With this life I give you the power to seal KyloRenheart into a dungeon made of rock candy that will take him 1000 years to eat through,” said the black tom. “I know that’s oddly specific, but trust me, it’ll work.” 

This life hurt the worst of all. Sprinkleheart screamed as she suffered the sensation of her heart being turned into rock candy. 

“Congratulations, Sprinkleheart!” cried Cottoncandycloud. “You are now Sprinklestar!” 

“Now go kick our son’s ass!” said Bloodkill.

 

Sprinklestar returned to the camp to find KyloRenheart attempting to massacre everyone. 

“Bitch, I think the fuck not!” she yowled at her son. Huge rainbow colored flames spewed from her mouth, engulfing KyloRenheart. When they faded, a tall structure of rainbow rock candy stood in the center of the camp. 

“It will take you 1000 years to eat through that!” Sprinklestar called to the villainous cat. 

“FUCK!” came KyloRenheart’s muffled cry behind the candy walls, followed by furious crunching sounds. 

Everyone clapped and cheered for Sprinklestar. 

“Yeah, except maybe you shouldn’t have made KyloRenheart’s prison in the middle of our camp,” Jizzfur pointed out. 

“Oh, true,” said Sprinklestar. “But whatever, our ancestors will have to deal with it.” 

She then picked MountainDew: Baja Blast to be the new deputy. She had just been made a warrior, but no one gave a shit. They then celebrated by dabbing and blowing air horns.


End file.
